Tourist Bob's potent backpacker tips

This was one of the most intelligent postings by the famous Tourist Bob on the Angeles City question and message board. We decided to make this re-release, because this are useful informations for the newbies in Angeles

Tourist Bob's potent backpacker tips

This was one of the most intelligent postings by the famous Tourist Bob on the Angeles City question and message board. We decided to make this re-release, because this are useful informations for the newbies in Angeles

Now to the Tourist Bob's brainwave:

Bargirl-ese Translation Guide By: Tourist Bob Sunday, 7 March 1999

As a service to prospective visitors to Angeles and other Philippine locations, I thought I'd compose a rather detailed translation guide for "Bargirl-ese," the dialect of mixed Tagalog and English that the Bargirls speak. Hopefully this will help some of you navigate more easily through the often difficult world of the bargirls. Having spent many weeks examining the bargirls (often orally and rectally), I wanted to share the benefit of my studiously acquired knowledge with the rest of the world. A sidenote: I am currently in love with a bargirl, so this is meant to be humorous. (Actually, I'm currently in love with SEVEN bargirls and I plan to marry all of them :) *****BARGIRL-ESE TRANSLATION GUIDE*****

"PHRASE" (TRANSLATION) ----------------------------------------------------------------

"Hello, Honeyko!" (Hello, Moneybag!)

"Kumasta Ka Na?" (How are you, future boyfriend?)

"You Boboy!" (You're a fat pig!)

"Miss na miss kita!" (I miss your money!)

"Mahal na mahal kita!" (I love your money!)

"I come!" (Would you hurry up and come, I'm tired and I want to watch TV.)

"We go boom boom?" (I'd like to watch TV.)

"Where you staying?" (Where am I staying tonight? Does it have aircon, minibar, and nice pool?)

"Where you from?" (Where will you move me and my family?)

"What your job?" (I have a large family, so you better be able to support them!)

"Will you support me?" (Will you support me, my Filipino boyfriend, our two children, and sixteen relatives?)

"You buy me ladies drink?" (May I have 50 pesos, please?)

"You pay my barfine?" (May I have 500 pesos, please?)

"You barfine my friend?" (May I have 1000 pesos, please?)

"You cute!" (I'm cute, you're an ugly, bald slob)

"You handsome!" (You have some hair left, how nice!)

"You healthy!" (You're fat and your breath smells!)

"You kind man!" (You're a stupid fool who pays me too much!)

"You barfine me tomorrow?" (Are you my gravy train?)

"You butterfly?" (Are you smart?)

"I'm 18" (I'm 16.)

"I'm 21" (I'm 32.)

"I work here four months only" (I've been here for four years.)

"I work at [another bar] before" (I was kicked out of [another bar] for showing up drunk and late every day.)

"I'm bangith" (You're bangith [ugly]).

"We go barhop?" (We need to stop at my friends bars so I can show off.)

"We go dance?" (I want to dance with my friends while you make a fool of yourself.)

"I have one baby" (I've got stretchmarks under my shorts.)

"I have two babies" (My vagina looks like a train tunnel.)

"I have no babies" (I have two babies but no stretch marks.)

"I don't like blowjob" (Quiet, my friends will hear. Of course I'll give you a blowjob.)

"I don't like Filipino men" (I like Filipino boys.)

"I don't like German/American/Italian/etc. men"
(My last boyfriend was German/American/Italian/etc. He dumped me.)

"Up to you [regarding tip]" (As much as you can afford)

"Up to you [regarding what to go do]" (Take me dancing. Now, fat boy!)

"I Cherry Girl." (I haven't been fucked up the ass or in my ears or nose yet.)

"I Cherry Girl (alternate 1)." (My Filipino boyfriend won't let me spend the night with a foreigner...yet. How much money do you have again?)

"I Cherry Girl (alternate 2)". (I haven't screwed for a whole week...and we used a condom.)

"I'm good girl" (I only go with other men for money)

"You're my only boyfriend" (One more and I'll have a dozen)

"You hard on puuusey" (The 2" X 4" strapped to your ass chafed my thighs)

"I have menstruation" (Buy me drinks then get lost elephant man)

"I'm shy to you!" Basically, it's what the girl often says when you say to her "Take off your damned clothes" or "Lemme see those breasts, baby" or "Leave the light on while we do the nasty thing because I want to see my *** go in your ***!"

© 1999 by Tourist Bob

In 2002 someone of the Angeles City question and message board fired back with another funny post to describe what is in a bar-girl's mind.

Here comes this intelligent, funny and last but not least very true fictitious dialog which shows you that bargirls are not only victims of their poverty but also they are very smart business-women !

Others have posted funny translation guides to bargirlese. I thought I'd add to this by translating what is going through a girl's mind after you agree to pay her barfine. Her real thoughts are in parentheses (). ***

You: "....Well....okay, I'll barfine you."

BARGIRL: "I go get changed." (Well, sucker, you coughed up money for my barfine! Oh happy day. Since I don't want to ruin a good dress on a jerk like you, let me go change into some ratty jeans.)

You: "You look nice!"

BARGIRL: "You nice man. You very handsome." (I know I look nice.)

You: "So, where do you want to go?"

BARGIRL: "Up to you, honeyko." (I'd like to go home but I guess I have to go with you, what's-your-name)

You: "Come on, this night's for you, babe."

BARGIRL: "Ok. We go barhop?" (Come on, gravytrain, let's go see if we can part you from those precious pesos by buying my friends ladies' drinks. Or if I'm really lucky, maybe you'll get drunk and just fall asleep later!).

You: "Do you like Cleopatra bar?"

BARGIRL: "No" (No.)

You: "Why not?"

BARGIRL: "Music Box, ha ha ha!" (E=MC2)

You: "No, seriously, you don't like Cleopatra?"

BARGIRL: "Huh? No. I mad at girl there." (Huh? Did you say something? Sorry, I was busy solving quantum physics problems in my head.)

You: "Ok, how about Gspot?"

BARGIRL: "Ok. I've never been there." (Ok. My best friend works there and I was there with another guy last night.)

You: "I like this bar. You like it?"

BARGIRL: [ignoring your question] "Look that girl there my sister, Drusilla! Oy, Drusilla!" (I vaguely know that girl up there, I'll call her Drusilla! Hey, Drusilla!).

You: "You didn't tell me your sister works here!"

BARGIRL: "We buy her ladies drink?" (Maybe if I throw some cash her way, she'll do the same for me sometime.)

You: "Sure!"

BARGIRL: [talking to her 'sister' in Tagalog] "Blah blah blah, Drusilla! Blah blah blah, Drusilla, Drusilla!" (Pretend you know me, Drusilla. By the way, your name is Drusilla, Drusilla.)

DRUSILLA: "Blah blah blah!" (Okay! Ha ha, gave him the old Sister story, huh?)

BARGIRL: "Blah blah blah, Drusilla!" (Just remember you owe me one, bitch!)

DRUSILLA: "Blah blah blah!" (Ok. What's your name, anyway?)

You: "What's your sister saying?"

BARGIRL: "She say maybe my mother sick." (I need to get my jewelry out of hock.)

You: "Aw, that's a shame. Jeez, you and your sister Drusilla sure don't look alike."

BARGIRL: "Same father, different mother." (The moon is made of cheese. La dee da dee dum! Hmm, I think the Filipino DJ is staring at me!)

You: [to the waitress who just arrived] "I'd like a San Miguel. What about you, honey?"

BARGIRL: "Margarita. I go to CR." (He IS staring at me. I'll go meet him in the CR!)

You: "Ok."

BARGIRL: [returning 20 minutes later from the CR] "I sick! We go na?" (Mission accomplished, time to go before I make my new DJ boyfriend jealous.)

You: "Oh, sorry to hear that. Are you hungry?"

BARGIRL: "No." (Of course I'm hungry, but you'd probably take me to some stupid foreigner restaurant instead of getting me balut and bagoong, so fuck it!)

You: "What would you like to do?"

BARGIRL: "Up to you." (I'd like to go boom boom my new Filipino DJ boyfriend but I don't suppose you'd give me a tip, so let's just get this over with, shall we?)

You: "You want to go to my hotel now?"

BARGIRL: "Ok." (No.)

You: "Well, here we are. Nice room, huh?"

BARGIRL: "Oh oh." (Ah, good old room 2B. Wonder if my gum is still stuck under the left side of the bed?)

You: "Well, uh, let's get comfortable."

BARGIRL: "I take shower first." (You groped me in the bar. I need to wash.)

You: "Sure, there's a towel in there, go ahead."

BARGIRL: "I finish shower. Turn off light!" (I can't bear to see your big white ass crawling on top of me. Turn off the light!)

You: "Okay. Do you need anything?"

BARGIRL: "You turn on TV?" (Turn on the TV: if I'm lucky, maybe you'll want doggy style so I can watch Viva while you're busy.)

You: [in the heat of passion]. "Oh, baby, does that feel good?"

BARGIRL: "Moan!" (Groan!)

You: "Oh, I'm coming!"

BARGIRL: "Moan?" (Are you done yet?)

You: "That was good. How was it for you?"

BARGIRL: "I come." (I go.)

You: "What are you doing?"

BARGIRL: "I text my roommate. I tell her I meet nice man." (I'm texting my roommate to tell her it's time to call me and pretend she's my mother so I can leave.)

You: "Someone's calling you."

BARGIRL: [talking on her cellphone] "Blah blah blah, Nanay, blah blah blah!" (Thank heavens you're getting me out of here, Buffy, this guy doesn't brush his teeth!)

You: "Who was that?"

BARGIRL: "My mother. She sick. I go!"

You: "Oh. Ok. Sorry your mom is sick. Here's something for you."

BARGIRL: "Thanks!" (My new boyfriend says thanks!)

You: "Maybe I'll stop by the bar tomorrow."

BARGIRL: "You pay my barfine?" (Are you as dumb as you look?)

You: "Uh. Maybe. Bye."

BARGIRL: "Bye!" (Gotta run. Raul needs some of this cash to buy his drugs. See ya!)